Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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