i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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