I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
