Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
