ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
