If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
