so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
