If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
