I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
