I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
