apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
