There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
