Christians are straight up FREAKS
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
