I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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