I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
