I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
