My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
