would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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