I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
