A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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