I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
