If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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