hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
