Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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