I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Randomize
