I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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