so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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