Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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