Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The air taste purple.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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