I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i now understand why vodka
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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