Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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