I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
