how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
