At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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