You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
