i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
