Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
