ya dads aren't the best wingmen
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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