My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
