so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
