My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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