there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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