I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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