i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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