WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
