You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
