This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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