she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
