his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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