dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I checked into jail on foursquare
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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